I haven’t announced this on the blog yet, however I am super excited to tell you all we are expecting baby number two! So far I am almost 13 weeks along.

I would love to share my pregnancy journey with you all and will be doing regular updates about my progress. As most of you know I had a medically required c-section with Cooper and this time I am going for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). I have found a fabulous OB who is very supportive of my choice and  I have been doing a lot of research, reading and watching many documentaries about VBAC and natural birth. I can’t wait to share it with you!

Along with all of the birth planning I will also be sharing my baby shopping with you! I have already been a little naughty and bought a few things!

How lovely is this nappy bag! I couldn’t resist!

Also I took advantage of the Babies Galore New Year sale and grabbed some bargains! I decided this time around I want to use a sling or baby carrier more in the very early days to help with bonding etc. So when I saw the organic Hug-A-Bub on sale for only $80 I had to get it! I have also bought a few PureBaby Organic Cotton outfits in neutral colours (whites and grays). But I am now waiting to find out what the sex of the baby is at our 18 week scan before we go overboard buying things!

I can’t wait to share this journey with you so stay tuned for many more pregnancy and baby posts!
Jen xx

This week is post natal depression awareness week. PND is such a silent nightmare, we are all expected to be super mums from the moment our babies are born and pride reinforces it even further. We think that the moment our little baby is born we need to master the art of breastfeeding, bond instantly, be the perfect housewife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend and more. But for many women it is so overwhelming they can barely function.

I can only speak for myself, every case is different so by sharing my story I hope others out there will realise they are not alone. That all of these feelings are normal and that it is ok to ask for help.

My story ….

I got off to a bit of a rough start. I was told a c-section was my only option to deliver my baby safely and it was something I was so against. I fought this until 2 days before his birth and finally just gave in. I was too tired to argue my case anymore and just felt that it was a lost cause. I told everyone it was ok and I was fine but really I was devastated.

My birth story is not a nice one, it was hard, painful and traumatic (Click Here to read more). I saw my son for 5 minutes in the operating room and was not reunited with him until 4 hours after he was born. This I believe affected our bonding time and it made it harder for me to accept what had happened.

From day one I was so desperate to breastfeed. I had him attached to me almost constantly and the day my milk came in I cried. The photo of my beautiful baby boy with milk on his face still makes me cry. But breastfeeding wasn’t easy. I had cracked and blistered nipples, mastitis and had a lactation consultant come to see me a couple of days after we arrived home (the best thing I ever did!).

But my milk supply was low, I fed Cooper every hour and then I would pump to stimulate. I would pump for 30 minutes straight and would be lucky to get 30mls. But to me 30mls was better than nothing.

I also was waiting for this amazing bond you are meant to feel when they are born. I still don’t believe this exists. I loved him and felt protective of him instantly but I didn’t know him and the bond took time. I liken it to a relationship …. if I was put in a room with a stranger and told he was my soulmate that we would be in love forever I would need time to get to know him, to fall in love. I think it’s the same with babies. I knew I loved him but I didn’t know who he was, we had so much to learn about each other and it took time to develop that connection.

I suffered major anxiety from day 1. If my husband would leave I would sit and shake and cry the whole time he was gone, desperate for him to come back because I was so scared to be alone. We were so lucky he owns his own business so he got to take 6 weeks off when Cooper was born. At the end of the 6 weeks the thought of him leaving daily to go to work made me have anxiety attacks. I couldn’t breath, my heart would race and I was so scared to be alone. It was then that he realised what was wrong. In our antenatal classes they talked about the signs of PND and he remembered them and I ticked all the boxes! We sat and talked and I still didn’t share everything with him, but enough that he took me to the doctor straight away. I went to a new doctor I had never been to and she was not very supportive. She had me look at a list of questions and asked if I felt any of those “signs of depression” and I said yes to all of them. She handed me a prescription and an appointment with the psychatrist and that was it. Off I went …..

I started taking anti-depressants very reluctantly. I don’t like them and I believe depression is over diagnosed in this world. But I decided to give it a go and see how I went.

After 4 week on medication I was feeling much better, but no where near 100%. I was able to get out of bed without crying, so that was a drastic improvement for me. At 10 weeks old Cooper was not sleeping during the day and was waking 5-7 times a night for a feed, almost hourly. I was still determined to breastfeed but we were supplementing with formula. I would get up and feed him both sides then I would give him a bottle and go back to bed for about 40 minutes, get up and do it again. We were exhausted!

We saw the paediatrican and she booked us into the sleep clinic straight away. After 3 nights at the clinic he came home a new baby! He followed the textbook sleeping pattern – Feed, awake, sleep during the day and would only need 2 bottles at night.

It is amazing how much better I felt after getting some much needed regular sleep!!

Life from then on seemed to get easier. I got into the swing of being a Mum and everything seemed to fall into place. But it wasn’t easy, for every up there were always 2 downs and it seemed like a long steep climb.

Looking back at those first few weeks I cringe at where my headspace was. I was having such awful thoughts and I even knew they were wrong but I was too embarrassed to say anything.

About a year ago I read Brooke Shields book – Down Came The Rain and in it she describes a moment where she is sitting with her brand new baby girl and wonders what it would be like to throw her against the wall. I read this part over and over again and remembered the moment in the hospital, it was probably day 4 and I was sitting on my bed holding my baby, looking at him and thinking …. I wonder what would happen if I dropped him? I never would and the thought made me feel terrible at the time but I still thought about it. It was only that I was still clinging on the reality that I didn’t.

What kept me from asking for help or admitting something was wrong? Pride …. I am an independent person and I was so scared that people would say “yep I knew you couldn’t cope” that I kept my mouth shut. Also part of me really thought it was normal. I thought motherhood was meant to be that hard. I kept saying to myself “this is it, life will never be the same” and I hated my life. I had a beautiful baby boy, a wonderful husband but I couldn’t see it. All I saw was my life was over and would always be a struggle.

I don’t think you ever get over PND. I was on medication for 8 months and took myself off it. I needed to learn how to cope and survive without it rather than living in a safety bubble of antidepressants. It was probably not the best thing to do but I worked through it and have never felt better.

Now almost 2 years later I feel amazing! My baby boy is my world and looking at him makes my heart melt. I think back to those early days and my heart breaks …. did he know how much I loved him? Did I kiss him enough? Why didn’t I just lay and snuggle and relax rather than trying to do it all? But I can’t change that I have had to learn to live with it. But we are so happy and I make sure I tell him every second of the day that I love him and how amazing he is.

I am fearful of having another baby again. I am scared I will go through all of that again but I am stronger and I know a lot more now. So I hope if the time came I would ask for help straight away.

Post Natal Depression is a silent illness. Women are too scared to seek help and we are all too scared to talk about it! We need to break the silence and talk to each other.

I hope sharing my story helps others in the same situation.

Jen xx

For help and more info on Post Natal Depression see – http://www.beyondblue.org.au/index.aspx?link_id=94

Helplines -

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

Lifeline: 13 11 14

I think this is the most common question when women talk about childbirth. I remember sitting in our antenatal classes and someone put up their hand and asked the question. We were all waiting for the answer only to be told the classic line …. “Pain is different for everyone”. No one ever wants to answer this question.

So hear I am ready to answer it! I had a medically required caesarean section due to pre-eclampsia so I had a spinal block not an epidural. These are administered the same way, however an epidural is a continual flow of medication and a spinal block is one dose.

I was petrified of the epidural needle. During the antenatal classes when they passed it around the room, as soon as the midwife took the needle from the box I closed my eyes and refused to look at it. To this day I have no idea what it looks like. My feelings were if I need it, I need it and seeing the size of the needle would only make me more anxious.

Sitting in the operating theatre being prepared for surgery I was so anxious and scared. I already had high blood pressure and I could feel it getting higher, my heart was racing and it was all in anticipation of that needle!

It feels like a lifetime, the anaesthetist cleans your skin and sets up his station. The first step is he injected me with a local anaesthetic to numb the area on top. This I must say “hurt”, it felt like little bee stings. The injecting of the local anaesthestic was worse than the needle stick, it seemed to sting.

After the local kicked in he spent about 4 minutes feeling the grooves in my back and all I wanted to do was run away. I could picture what he was doing and waiting for the moment he put that huge needle into my spine. The male nurse who was standing in front of me was making jokes and I was trying not to laugh but my mind was still on that needle and begging him in my head to hurry up and just do it! The next thing I know they are laying me down on the bed and asking if my legs were numb.

What!?! It was over? It was over and I had not only felt no pain, I didn’t even know he had done it!

I am sure the classic line “It’s different for everyone”, has some truth. But for me the only painful part of the epidural was the anticipation. I felt no pain at all and didn’t even feel it go in. It was done so quickly that I had no time to realise it had been done.

Everyone around me said they were watching it as I was talking and making jokes. They were waiting for my reaction that never came.

So there it is, my epidural experience. Epidurals are scary but at the end of the day if you need it you need it and I hope my positive story can help you feel confident that Epidurals are not painful for everyone!

Jen xx